So you liked of our gigs last week, our team thinks its time for another top 10 Jokes list. so here we are. A joke is matter of taste, I must say; as there is no single joke that will make every one laugh. It is never a joke we laugh at… Its how we can relate to that joke based on our experiences and environment. The jokes we selected below for this week are a mixed bag. you will not find every one of them equally amusing but I can bet that you will be able to find one that will tickle your funny bone. If we are able to put a smile on your face, our effort is worth it. I will not like to stand between you and your top 10 jokes of the week anymore. Enjoy yourself.
Screwed!
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself
“Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out:
“No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again:
“Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”
Sinners
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3′4″, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard,
“Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!”
And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7′ tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard:
“Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!”
And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
“Cindy, you have sinned.”
Psychic Hotline
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussion with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told:
“You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog says:
“This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” says the psychic. “Next semester in her biology class.”
Fishing License
A couple of young fellows were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush’s jumped the Game Warden !!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden. After about a half mile the fellow stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
“Lets see your fishing license, Boy !!” the Warden gasped.
With that, the fellow pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
“Well, son”, said the Game Warden “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!”
“Yes Sir”, replied the young fellow
” But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one”…
Clever or not?
Mom: Lets review your math son.
Son:Â Â Â Sure mom.
Mom:Â If I give you an apple and Daddy gives you another one, what’s the answer?
Son:Â Â Thank you very much!
The Wall
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
“I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a f*ckin’ wall.”
Prediction
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
- A half-gallon of 2% milk,
- A carton of eggs
- A quart of orange juice
- A head of romaine lettuce
- A 2 lb. can of coffee
- A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated:
“You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said:
“Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied:
“Cause you’re ugly”
The Heavenly Marriage
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said:
“St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”
St. Peter looked at him and said:
“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday.”
Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said:
“I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said:
“Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request.”
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered:
“Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn’t stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said:
“Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied.
“You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
Gator-phobia
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:
“Are there any gators around here?!”
“Naw,”
the man hollered back,
“they ain’t been around for years!”
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy:
“How’d you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do nothin’,”
the beachcomber said:
“The sharks got ‘em. “
Bonus Joke – 3 Times
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said: “That’s once.”
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said: “That’s twice.”
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn’t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him: “That was an awful thing to do.”
The farmer said: “That’s once.”
That’s all folks… but not all the jokes… see you again next week…
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