After a long pause, we are back with more of what you love on this blog. These top 10 jokes of the week are guaranteed to tickle a funny bone or two. Some of these are fresh while there may be some jokes that you have heard before. We will try to be more regular in our posting of joke and catch up. Now we should no more stand between you and your gig.. if you enjoy them, do leave a comment so we know what kind of joke you like and post more on that topic. have fun…
Tricked
A male and female driver are involved in a horrific collision. As they crawl from the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and beautiful. She turns to him and gushes breathily: “We shouldn’t have survived that. Maybe it’s a sign from God that we’re meant to be together!â€
The man stammers back, “Oh yes, I agree completely!â€
“And look,†she continues. “Though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine is intact, too! It’s another sign. Let’s drink to our love!â€
“Well, OK!’ says the man. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half and hands it back.
“Your turn,†he says.
“No, thanks,†says the woman, “I think I’ll just wait for the police.â€
Doctor in Trouble
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window…
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting Genital Herpes – thats why I am here!”
From Grandma
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies
“I know. That’s from your Grandma.”
Lie or Truth?
A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”
He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”
What is Worse?
A man went to the ER to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket
and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly
to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
Now you decide what’s worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you’re married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Back to Work
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful one. “You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.”
“He’s an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!”
“You did. All over his suit, ” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”
“Well, f*ck him,” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
Password Choice
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to
Enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood
and figured he would try for the shock effect to brin g this to his wife’s attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was
Keying in…P…..E…..N…..I…..S…..
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD DENIED – NOT LONG ENOUGH
Beautiful Last Day
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “F*ck him, give him a dollar.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
Southwest Airlines
A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his Mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
Why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the Stewardess.
So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess,
“If big dogs have Baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don’t big planes have baby Planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy said, “Yes, she did”…
”Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you.”
Awful Truth
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some a55hole puts a swimming cap on me!”
Bonus Jokes of the Week
Unused Husband
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ “And so, here we are!”
Yes it can
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my ~Censored~?”
“Yes, I’m sorry,” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. “It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.” Sure enough the ~Censored~ blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder ~Censored~ can do. “I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the ~Censored~ winks at him. “Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?”
Stunned, the man replies,
“Good grief! Can it whistle too?!”
How did you know?
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied,
“How did you know my name was Katz?”
Wrong Feet
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say,
“You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them,
“I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. they make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.”
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, “How could sandals improve my abilities?”
The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on, Saheeb. The sandals will prove it to you.”
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man’s pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani’s thighs.
The Pakistani then began screaming, “YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”
Not that Bad
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.” The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.”
“Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”
Identity
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted,
“Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”
Tock Now
Bill’s cuckoo clock stops keeping time correctly, so he takes it to a repair shop. The old shopkeeper asks in a heavy German accent, “Vat sims to be ze problem?â€
Bill replies, “It doesn’t work right. Instead of going tick tock tick tock, it just goes tick tick tick.â€
The old German rummages behind the counter. He pulls out a flashlight and walks over to the clock. Shining the beam directly on the clock face, he says in menacing tones,
“Ve haf vays of making you tock!â€
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