Once again our team cracked the top 10 jokes for you. This week we bring you some of the finest jokes as well as some funny pictures to spice up the reading. We are thankful for your continued support and especially thankful to our stumbleupon friends who thumb this up and review it for us. please keep the stumbles coming so we can keep feeding you with some great jokes. Have fun.. happy reading..
Pizza Pie
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding.
“Just cut it into 4 pieces…
I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.”
Survivor
The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked. He says, “You can’t judge me for this. I had to survive.” The leader of the rescue team says, “But Jesus Christ, man… your plane only went down yesterday.”
Blondes…
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening
to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through.”
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through.”
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….”
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied
“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
Two Blondes rob a bank……
Two Blondes come up with a plot to rob a bank, and it seems fairly straight forward (considering they have one brain cell between them.)
They go to the bank, with dynamite and a length of rope, and one of them goes in, while the other sits in the getaway car, the one in the car looks in the rear view mirror, and sees the other Blonde dragging the safe with the rope tied around it, and the security guard hops out through the doors, with his trousers and boxers wrapped around his ankles.
“You are such a Blonde”, says the Blonde driving the car….. “you were meant to blow the SAFE and tie up the GUARD!”
Sadistic
A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command (“Jump!”).
In a first stage of experiment he removed flea’s leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: “Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly.”
So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: “Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly.”
Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: “Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly.”
Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: “Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing”
Old Tricks Does Work
After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The professor replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler.”
Advanced Fax
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.
‘That was my pager,’ she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained,
‘That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.’
The older woman felt very low-tech, not to be out done,
she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said…………
Well, will you look at that……..I’m getting a fax !!
Would you remarry?
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure. It’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably. It is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
HUSBAND: “No. I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?”
HUSBAND: “Yes. Those are always good times.”
WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No. She’s left-handed. ”
WIFE: – silence -
HUSBAND: ” . . . sh*t…”
Hatred
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Israeli. “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our peoples….. this hatred… this animosity… this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
Growing old gracefully
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today..’
The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.
‘In fact, this one is on me.’
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’
The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming up,’ says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’
The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’
The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’
Photos credits adme &Â funnytogo
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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Lol those are awesome!!