Kids…..
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: ” What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps in to?”
Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong……
What a way to start the day!
There I was on my way to Wal-Mart…
Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind … Wasn’t even on the horizon … I was in a great mood … And then … I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car … And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it … He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
“I AM NOT HAPPY!”
So, I look down at him and said, “Well, which one are you then?”
…………. And that’s when the fight started . . . 
Participation
At the airport for a business trip, Bob settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then they heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.”
So Bob and his family picked up their luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told everyone that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, they gathered their carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as they were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.
Dog Almighty
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve seen,” I said. “That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.”
The man turned to me and said, “Yeah, it is. He hated the book.”
Weatherman
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don’t get any?
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
“So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Can’t See You
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Mail Order Bride
A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that
he was marrying a “mail order” bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. “She’ll be twenty-one in November.”
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that
the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year old man.
Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully
suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on
the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
“How’s the new wife?”, asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, “Good – She’s pregnant.”
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
“And how’s the hired hand?”
Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.”
Lawyer’s Mind
One sunny afternoon, a priest, a doctor and a lawyer were stuck behind a particularly slow group of golfers. After three holes, they complained to the greenskeeper.
“Sorry, guys. That’s a group of blind firefighters,†the man explained. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here anytime for free.â€
“That’s so sad,†the priest said. “I’ll say a special prayer for them tonight.â€
“Good idea,†the doctor agreed. “I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.â€
“I guess,†the lawyer said. “But why can’t they play at night?â€
Settled
A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.
“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!”
Save $1000
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”
“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.” So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a hit man,” was the reply.
“You’re joking!” was the response.
“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.”
“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.” So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. “Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her. He’s naked as well! The ~censored~!” He turned to the hit man, “How much do you charge for a hit?”
“I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”
“Can you do two for me now?”
“Sure, what do you want?”
“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his ~censored~ off to teach him a lesson.”
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. “Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently. “Just wait a moment, be patient,” said the hit man calmly, “I think I can save you a thousand dollars here…..”
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you meant insect.. not incest.. I was like.. I don’t want to see incest on here man eww!!! XD!
I’m glad someone else saw it said incest.
sweet jesus these are the shittest jokes ever