Top 10 Jokes of the Week

Posted by R MAK 18 August, 2008

Here are this week’s top 10 jokes to tickle your funny bone. Our editorial team hopes releasing the jokes at this time might help you with your monday blues. share them with your friends and co-workers to spice up their day as well.

Kindness begets kindness

While sorting mail, a post-office worker found a postcard from an old lady that broke his heart. It read:

“Dear God, I have never had a holiday. I am 86 and would love to go away somewhere special before I die. All I need is £250. Please help.”

The worker decided to organize a collection among his colleagues and soon raised £200. He sent it off to the old lady. Three weeks later, he found another postcard from the woman. It read:

“Dear God, I had the holiday of a lifetime. Thank you so much for the cash. It was £50 short, mind you. I expect it was those light-fingered ba****s at the post office”

Post card

Kissed by a nun?

While sitting in a taxi, a nun notices that the cabbie is staring at her.

“I don’t want to offend you,” he says “but my fantasy is to be kissed by a nun.”

“Well, all right,” says the nun. “But you have to be Catholic and single.”

The cabbie says he is, so the nun plants a passionate kiss on his lips. The man is momentarily ecstatic but then starts crying.

“What’s the matter?” asks the nun.

“Forgive me, Sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you. I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says:

“Oh, that’s OK. My name’s Kevin and I’m off to a fancy dress party.”

Generous or not?

The dying penny pincher told his doctor, lawyer and pastor:

“I have $90,000 under my mattress. At my funeral I want each of you to toss an envelope with $30,000 into the grave.”

And after telling them this, he died.

At the funeral, each threw his envelope in the grave.

Later, the pastor said:

“I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.”

The doctor admitted:

“I needed $20,000 for new equipment at the hospital, so I only had $10,000 in the envelope.”

Then spoke the Lawyer:

“Gentlemen, I’m shocked that you would blatantly ignore this man’s final wish.

I threw in my personal cheque for the full amount.”

Exchange Trips

A kangaroo bounds round the Australian outback. When it comes to a halt, a little penguin climbs out of the kangaroo’s pouch.

It looks awfully giddy and is promptly sick.

Meanwhile, a little kangaroo sits on a South Pole beach shivering, crying and mumbling to itself:

“I hate school exchange trips.”

Shaken not stirred

A horse comes in a bar and asks the bartender for some Coke.

Bartender asks: “You want a straw?”
Horse Replies: “HELL YEAH!!!”

Lost Control

As he reviewed pilot crash reports, an Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry:

“After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control.”

Devil’s Sister

Leena was tired of her husband coming home drunk, and decided to scare him straight.

One night, she put on a devil costume and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband walked by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail and pitchfork.

“Who are you?” he slurred.

“I’m the devil,” she answered.

“Well, come on home with me,” he said. “I married your sister.”

Management

A hot-air balloonist had drifted off course. He saw a man on the ground and yelled,

“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

“Yes,” the guy said. “You’re in a balloon.”

“You must work in IT,” the balloonist said.

“Yea. but How did you know?”

“What you told me is technically correct, but of no use to anyone.”

“And you must work in management,” the man on the ground retorted.

“Yea. but How did you know?”

“You don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to help. And you’re in the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Experienced

Shortly after joining the army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day’s assignments. After handing over various tasks, he asked:

“Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?”

A longtime ham operator, I shouted, “I do!”

“Good,” he said.

“You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole.”

Importance of Tie

A fleeing Taliban fighter, desperate for a drink, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he came across a little man at a stall selling ties.

“Do you have water?” the Taliban rebel asked.

“No, but would you like to buy a tie? $50.”

“Fool!” shouted the fighter. “I don’t need an over-priced tie. I should kill you, but I must find water first.”

“OK,” said the stall owner. “It does not matter that you do not want my ties and that you hate me. I will show you I am a bigger man than that. If you continue over that hill for about five kilometres, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice-cold water you need.”

Muttering, the fighter staggered over the hill.

Several hours later, he staggered back.

“Your filthy swine of a brother, They won’t let me in without a tie.”

Bonus Joke of the week : Wives

Two guys collide in a supermarket.

“Sorry about that,” the first guy says. “I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

“I’m looking for my wife, too,” the second guy says.

“Maybe I can help you,” the first guy says. “What does your wife look like?”

“Well, she’s a tall redhead with big green eyes, long suntanned legs and a bright smile,” the second guy says. “What does your wife look like?”

“Never mind,”

says the first guy