Top 10 Jokes of the Week: 35 of 2008

Posted by Paul Acoin 27 August, 2008

We are back with another episode of this week’s top 10 jokes to tickle your funny bone even harder. Our editorial team found these great jokes from all over the Internet and shared them here. we hope that you will enjoy them and pass these on to your friends and co-workers as well.

Three Envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,”

the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes.

He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read:

“Blame your predecessor.”

Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press — and Wall Street — responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read:

“Reorganize.”

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said:

“Prepare three envelopes. The new CEO is on his way!”

Women are Similar

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

More Prayers

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

‘Come with me’, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

‘Wow, thank you’, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up’, said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’

‘Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’

Hand me the broom

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said ‘The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid’. The little boy opened the back door a little and said:

‘Lord if you’re out there, hand me the broom’.

Earl and His Friends

Earl was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Earl how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.“

So Earl and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Earl! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Earl’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Earl that he thinks Earl’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Earl says. “President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yes,” Earl says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Earl on the tour and motions him and his boss over saying, “Earl, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Earl, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Earl. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Earl and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Earl says

“This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what: I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later, Earl emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Earl returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss’ side, Earl asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says,

“I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Earl?”

Good Samaritan

A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” “Yep”.

Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried

“Please officer, protect me from this man.
He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”

Chinese Punishment

A young man was wandering lost in a forest when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an old Chinese man with a long gray beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said. “But on on condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.” The man agreed, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn’t hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a not on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well that’s easy,” he though. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope was getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than a castration, he jumped out the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

“Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.”

Cold Hands

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, “My hands are so cold.”
The mother replied, “Put them between your legs, your body heat will warm them up.”
So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said “my hands are freezing cold.”
The girl said “put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.”
So he did and warmed his hands.

The next day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said “my nose is cold.”
The girl replied “put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up”
So he did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend had a big smile on his face when he got into the buggy with the daughter.
After a short time he said “My P3nis is frozen solid.”

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother “Have you ever heard of a P3nis?”
“Slightly concerned the mother said, “Why yes, Why do you ask?”
The daughter replies “Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don’t they??”

FBI Recruits

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to
speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in
and sits down. The interviewer asks him:

“Do you love your wife?”

“Yes I do, sir.”

“Do you love your country?”

“Yes I do, sir.”

“What do you love more, your wife or your country?”

“My country, sir.”

“Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next
room and kill her.”

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife.

The guy puts the gun down and says

“I can’t do it…”

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The Interviewer looks at him and asks

“What happened?!?!”

“The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!”

Message

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should come closer. When he does, she begins to gently caress his bushy beard.

“Are you the manager?”

she asks softly as she continues to stroke his beard with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t”, gasps the barman, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Sure there is. Give him a message for me”

she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him that there’s no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

Bonus Joke: Miscommunication

A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a big forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

“It will be waiting for you at the airport!”

He was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled:

“Let’s go! Let’s go!”

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not my instructor?”

Have a great week folks.. See you next week