I wanna watch - Little Johnny
[ad#ad-2]While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
“Did you get that for your birthday?”
asked Little Johnny.
“Nope.”
replied Jimmy.
“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”.
Again Jimmy says
“Nope.”
“You didn’t steal it, did you?”
asks Little Johnny.
“No,”
said Jimmy.
Drunk - Bar Jokes - Very Funny
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A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar…
FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies
“Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.” The
guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.”
Neglected Bills
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Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”
Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”
Headache - (Old Wine & Jokes are always Good)
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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
“The good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Putting it in
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A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest,
“Father, I had an affair with a woman… almost.”
“What do you mean almost?”
question the priest.
Wisdom of age
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An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
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Travel advice (Very Funny)
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If you’re traveling by: bus, train or aircraft and some passengers or person next to you is annoying you, then:
1- Slowly and quietly open laptop,
2- Switch laptop “ON”
3- Make sure annoying passenger is looking at laptop screen.
4- Turn head up and close eyes.
5- Press this link.
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