Welcome as we are back with another episode of top 10 jokes. we try our best to collect these jokes across the bars and pubs and of course the Internet. None of these jokes are original. you might have heard them a lots of time before.. but one thing we can assure that they are classics. These jokes are timeless and each time you read them or hear them you are bound to smile…We are looking forward to tickle your funny bone with this week’s top 10 jokes and looking forward to your contribution.
A Dying Note
A lady was standing beside a dying husband. His nose and mouth were full with hoses so he was just couldn’t talk. The possible communication was only by his eyes and hands.Â So the time comes when the man was having a hard time to breath. But in the last minutes, the husbands looked like want to say something. He was chocked and his eyes were turning upside down. The doctor said it would be helpful if they gave him a paper and pencil to write down what he wanted to say.
So they did.
And, he was gone.
After all the grief’s and cries, the lady took the note and read it.
Suddenly, she slapped the doctor!
And she gave the note to the doctor. It reads:
“Don’t step on my oxygen hose, dumb ass !!”
Walls have ears, and ceilings have eyes
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
“Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”
“What difference does it make?” Joan asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”
“Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the scean, she called out,
“John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”
A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”
Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”
“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”
“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.
“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”
Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”
“Well, then, where are you?”
“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing.
The pastor said to the others, “I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down.”
So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore.
Then, the priest says to the rabbi, “I think I going to go over there to join him.”
So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore.
The rabbi thinks to himself, “Well, if they can do it, so can I!”
So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.
The pastor says to the priest, “Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?”
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, “Congratulations you’re the father of twins!” He says, â€œGreat! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.â€
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, “Congratulations you’re the father of tripletsâ€ ! He says, “That’s cool! I work for 3M.”
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, â€œWhere’s the third father?”
One of the other fathers said, “Oh he jumped out the window.â€
The nurse asks, “Why?”
He replied,Â Â “He works for Seven Up!”
A truck driver was zooming down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his obligation, he stopped to give the priest a ride.
A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and the driver aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn’t run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.
Looking back as he drove on, he didn’t see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest.
“I’m sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”
But the priest said
“Don’t worry, son. I got him with my door.”
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.
Then, he discovered the problem;
A 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read,
“SPEED TRAP AHEAD”.
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted
“TIPS” and a bucket of change.
Not in the Barn
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.
They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.
Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.
Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn.
A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig……
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, ”
Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner,
“did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?”
“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Bonus Joke: STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
“OK old fart, time for you to retire.”
The old rooster replies, “Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me.
Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?”
The young rooster says, “Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.”
The old rooster says, “I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.”
The young rooster laughs. “You know you don’t stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.”
The old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and – BOOM – he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
“Dammit…..third gay rooster I bought this month.”
Moral of this story? ….
Don’t mess with the OLD FARTS – age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
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